She Had Always Loved Him
by Fivesacharm
Summary: (Post-Nemesis) Beverly convinces herself that she is ready to move on in her life, but tragedy brings her full circle.
1. Chapter 1

There had never been any doubt in her mind that she loved him. Even when she had agreed to marry Jack all those years ago, Jean-Luc Picard had always, in the back of her mind, been her one true love.

Somehow, though, fate had never wanted them to truly be together.

And after Jack's death, whether she was living on earth or a star base, raising her son all alone and working long hours as a Starfleet physician, she never stopped thinking of him. Jean-Luc Picard was always there on the edge of her subconscious. Even when he was star-systems away, he had never really left her.

Her posting on the Enterprise had been almost completely intentional, on her part. When she originally applied for the position, she had told herself that she wanted the job because there was a certain degree of esteem and distinction that came with being the Chief Medical Officer on the flagship. That was definitely part of it, but had she been completely truthful with herself, she would have admitted it was because of him.

She wasn't even certain that she would get the job, but she had worked her butt off trying. Starfleet officers were highly-competitive in terms of postings, and doctors were no exception. Luckily for her (and arguably the thousand people living and working on the Enterprise), she was far more qualified and skilled than most

The day she found out that she got job was a happy one. She would be with him again.

Over the next fifteen years, they had become close, perhaps exceedingly so. Their relationship had always been complicated and no one really understood it, not even them! There had always been the gossip and the whispers about a relationship between the Captain and his CMO, but it was never actually more than that. Sharing breakfast nearly ever y single morning and enjoying each other's company and expertise on the long missions into space was what their relationship was. They were simply best friends, even if they did both want more.

There had been many instances when she desperately had wanted to pursue a relationship with the Captain. Many. And she could tell when there had been moments when he had almost asked to take what they had farther. It was at those said moments that she always found a new subject to talk about or a something in sickbay she had forgotten to do.

It wasn't because she didn't want to have more with him. Oh no, she wanted nothing more than to sleep in his bed and be held in his arms, to be kissed by the man she had always loved. Fear was what kept her from acting on her feelings.

Often she thought of Jack and what Starfleet had done to him. She thought of the day she was told her husband and the father of her son, was dead. She thought of the first time she saw him, so quiet and peaceful, no longer exuberant and full of life. She thought of his funeral and what it felt like to bury the man you loved.

And then she thought of her job. There had been several instances when Jean-Luc had been injured. Sometimes his trips to sickbay were for nothing more than a broken bone or a laceration that needed closed. But there had been instances, more than she wanted to think about, when the difference between Jean-Luc joining Jack or remaining with her was nothing more than her skill as a doctor. It was during those moments, with Jean-Luc lying in front of her on her operating table that Beverly Crusher knew that they could never be together.

It was hard enough making decisions about his medical care without them being romantically involved. How on earth would she be able to function as a physician and as a surgeon if he was her lover or her husband? She refused to compromise Jean-Luc's medical care for the sake of her heart because there would always be times that he needed her professionally. It was not if, but when.

So she found herself having to be content with being his best friend and breakfast partner. If she couldn't be his lover, this was what she wanted. Not a soul alive knew Jean-Luc Picard better than her, and she was proud of that fact.

And she had lived a lifetime with him on the Enterprise, first D and then E. It was a good life that she had made for herself, but she was much older now. The sad fact was that at fifty-three years of age, she was still very much alone.

That was why she was making the decision she was now. After all these years, Beverly Crusher was actually moving on.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks for the reviews guys! Keep in mind that the first two chapters are mostly set-up for what is to come:)_

Up until the moment she decided she needed to move on, Beverly Crusher never pictured herself living and working anywhere but on the Enterprise. The Enterprise had become a home to her, a person who had never truly belonged anywhere. That was what Starfleet did; it made you homeless, a resident of the stars: the galaxy's child.

When she was younger, Beverly had dreamed of settling down somewhere on the North American continent and starting a family. She imaged herself marrying a teacher and having a house full of children. She always knew she would be a doctor, that was never up for debate, but never in a million years did she see herself being a Starfleet physician. She would have laughed at anyone who would have told her what her future would hold.

Jack changed things for her. She was young and visiting her aunt in San Francisco, it was the summer before she was to start medical school in New England. She had gone out with a couple girls that she had recently met and Jack Crusher just so happened to be patronizing the same small restaurant. She hadn't even noticed him until he boldly came up to her table and asked for her to go on a date with him. She saw his buddies laughing hysterically behind him. Her answer, which was yes, clearly surprised the crap out of not only Jack, but also his friends.

It wasn't long before Jack, a second year cadet himself, had convinced Beverly to give up the ideal of civilian life and instead enter Starfleet Medical School.

The rest, as they say, is history.

And here she was, without a husband to hold her and love her and without her only son to give her beautiful grandchildren for her to enjoy into her golden years(existing as a higher being does not lend itself to starting a family she supposed). The more Beverly thought about it, the more she realized that if it weren't for Jack her life would be so different in so many ways. Because of him she was, in fact, very much alone.

But even those thoughts did not make her choose to move on.

It honestly started several weeks before the Enterprise's terrifying encounter with Shinzon. Beverly had been sitting in her office for something like three hours getting herself caught up on paperwork (the downside to being the ship's highest ranking physician). Without warning, she was receiving a transmission from Starfleet Medical asking her to accept a call from Dr. Yerbi Fandau, the current Head of Starfleet Medical.

While Beverly was originally perplexed by the "courtesy call" from her old friend, it soon became quite clear what he wanted from her. He was retiring at the end of the year and he wanted her to have his job, THE job that so many in the medical corps desire.

In the beginning Beverly declined the offer, she was happy with where she was. She liked being in space and exploring new worlds. And the people on the Enterprise, especially the senior staff, they had become her family. She couldn't imagine leaving it all behind.

And then Shinzon happened, and Beverly witnessed firsthand that families can be torn apart. Data's death had left a hole in everyone's hearts. Suddenly, with Worf on DS9 and Deanna and Will moving to the Titan and Alyssa deciding to take a post on a starbase with her husband and son, her family was light years away. It was just her and Geordie and Jean-Luc.

The more Beverly thought about it, the more depressed she became. Sickbay no longer held the same glorious wonder that it once had. Her job no longer made her feel like she was doing something worthwhile.

While they do say that no good decision is made after 2am, lying wide awake one early morning, Beverly made the decision.

She would accept Dr. Fandau's offer. She would become the new head of Starfleet Medical. She would leave the Enterprise, her home. She would leave him.


	3. Chapter 3

_Very short chapter tonight…sorry! More to come tomorrow;) Thanks for reviewing, it's greatly appreciated!_

"Congratulations Ensign Jamison, you are officially my last patient ever as CMO on the Enterprise."

Beverly Crusher smiled as she announced the words to the short female ensign getting up from the exam table.

"Do you know who is to be your replacement doctor?" Ensign Jamison asked.

"I actually have no clue. Honestly, I still think they're trying to find someone half-decent to replace me," Beverly joked. "I'm teasing. No, whoever he or she is, they will be highly qualified, I'm sure. They don't let just anyone have the job of Chief Medical Officer on the flagship."

_Well, they did let Katherine Pulaski have the job last time I left, so I guess that doesn't really say much for their CMO selecting skills…Hmmm…maybe I should make myself a part of helping them choose a new CMO…only the best for Jean-Luc, _she thought.

Beverly Crusher walked back in the direction of her office, thinking silently to herself about the last time she had taken the job as head of Starfleet Medical. She'd only had the job a year, mostly because she missed serving with him. She missed Jean-Luc and the opportunity to be in his presence every day.

Plus, he'd practically begged her to come back …it was quite clear how much he loathed Dr. Pulaski.

_No coming back this time, Bev. You are going to make a new life for yourself on Earth, and you are going to love it!_

Grabbing the last couple possessions piled on her desk and packing them into her bag, a waterfall of sadness washed over her. Her office was so empty. Within a few weeks' time, after sickbay and the rest of the ship finished undergoing massive repairs, a new CMO would be sitting at this desk…_her_ desk.

This had been her sickbay, her domain, for such a long time.

Dr. Beverly Crusher had witnessed and been an active part of both the thrills and joys of new life and the heartbreak and grief of death within these walls and the walls of the sickbay on D. And here she was, giving it all up.

_You're making the right choice, there's nothing left for you here. You know you and Jean-Luc can't be together, so it's time to make a choice in your own best self-interests._

With that thought, she stood a little straighter, gave one last look around her sickbay, took a deep breath and walked out the door, making her way down to Transporter Room Two.

What she wanted to do was run to Jean-Luc's ready room and beg him to start a life with her, but what she actually did was continue walking down the corridors to a future without him.

She had already said her goodbyes to everyone who mattered; well, at least, she thought she had.

Except when she got to the Transporter Room, he standing there waiting for her.


	4. Chapter 4

_Ch. 4! Keep reviewing!:) Enjoy!_

* * *

"Jean-Luc, I…" Beverly couldn't find the right words. There he was, standing between her and a life without the stars, without the Enterprise, and without _him_. There weren't words.

"Dr. Crusher," Jean-Luc began, "You have served this ship and you have served me, as the Captain, for the last fifteen years with nothing but the best interests of the crew at heart. There are lives standing on this ship, even now, which would not be here without your dedication to your profession and to them. Without a doubt, I am one of those people. Beverly, you are my oldest and dearest friend, and you have saved my hide more times than I can count. While I understand that everyone must move on at some point, I will miss you terribly." The Captain smiled sadly as he finished his words of thanks to the woman he loved.

_Why doesn't he just ask me to stay? If he were to ask right now, I couldn't refuse him._

"Oh Jean-Luc, I will also miss you. We've been close friends for so long, it'll be strange to once again be apart, but we will keep in contact. That I promise you. I'm sorry I'm leaving…after everything that's happened over the last few months…I just need…I just need a new start."

With those last words, Beverly felt tears well-up behind her eyes.

_I will not cry. I will not cry. I WILL NOT CRY! Damn it Beverly, pull yourself together. You know that THIS can't work. It's too complicated. It's too dangerous. You'll both just end up hurt…_

She grabbed his hand, squeezed it, and took a step back, towards the transporter pad and away from the man she loved. Beverly couldn't help but notice how sad the Captain looked.

_What am I even doing?_

"Come to dinner soon, okay Jean-Luc? We will take advantage of your close proximity while we can."

"I will do that Beverly."

"Promise?"

"I promise. I look forward to it."

"I will talk to you soon then…"

Stepping up onto the platform and taking a deep breath, Beverly smiled one last warm smile at Jean-Luc and then nodded at the Transporter Chief.

Beverly was still looking at the painful image of a very sad-looking Captain in front of her. She knew she was hurting him. Heck, she was hurting herself, but she also thought that what she was doing was best for her and best for him.

_I just wish this didn't hurt so badly. Why does something I know is right feel so wrong?!_

And as the transporter energized and transported her to the planet below, Beverly caught one last look of Jean- Luc Picard. To this day she's not sure if it was a distortion of the transporter or not, but Beverly felt a tight knot form in her stomach as she looked out and saw a single hot tear run it's winding path down the face of the man she loved.

_No words._


	5. Chapter 5

Dr. Beverly Crusher had been the acting Head of Starfleet Medical for three weeks now. In that time she had decided to fully engross herself in her new job.

It was so insanely different from being a CMO on a starship. She was in charge of all these medical students and young interns and doctors, and their eagerness to get out there and cure every virus in the galaxy was both incredibly comical and quite refreshing to her.

They were so naïve about what starship life was really like, but she liked it, their enthusiasm.

She did seriously doubt that she had ever been half as clueless as the students now under her tutelage, but just the same she loved her job.

Part of her, the part still clinging to her old life, didn't want to admit it, but she enjoyed this work. It was nothing like being a starship doctor, but it had its own rewards.

The best part being the fact that they all looked at her like she was a god. Even the actual doctors at Medical showed her nothing but respect and took interest when she talked about some aspect of medicine, or even just a personal anecdote from her days on the Enterprise or even before.

And the crazy thing was that when she first came to Starfleet Medical, she hadn't even been expected to see patients! They wanted her to be content not doing the very thing that made her who she was as a person? No, that would not work for her, and so she immediately fixed that little blimp in her job description.

Sure, Beverly spent a lot of time instructing and forming young minds and a lot of time meeting with medical professionals from all over the quadrant and a lot of time doing paperwork, but that didn't mean she was giving up actually practicing medicine. Beverly was a doctor, of course. A damn good one, and she needed to see patients, to do some good and make a difference.

And so, one of her first decisions as the acting Head of Medical was to give herself two days a week to see patients…

* * *

"God Damn it!" Beverly muttered.

Immediately, she couldn't help but think that if one of her students or residents had displayed such blatant unprofessionalism in the OR she would have skinned them alive…or at the very least formally reprimanded them.

The benefits of being the boss, she supposed.

Unfortunately there were also a whole lot of downfalls to being in charge. For example, the situation she was in now.

No, this was not how this was supposed to go. Yes, the patient before her was a very sick man and yes there were risks with any surgery, but Dr. Crusher had been so sure that he would be okay. She truly thought that things would go how she had planned…she thought she could save him.

Yet on the table before her, her patient's vitals were plummeting and despite the most valiant efforts of herself and her team, there was nothing left to be done.

His heart had just given out, too weak to continue pumping blood through his frail body and too weak to sustaining life.

Beverly shut her eyes and then let out a breath.

Attempting to regain her composure and put authority behind her words, she turned to the nurse standing next to her and gave the order:

"Call it."

Two words that officially declared her surrender.

"Time of death, 0534."


	6. Chapter 6

**_A little longer than most of my chapters, but I guess that's not a bad thing! I plan on continuing, because there's still quite a bit to this story to go (at least in my head) so keep reading and reviewing:)_**

* * *

Loosing patients had been one of those things that, despite having been a doctor for over thirty years, had never gotten any easier for Beverly Crusher.

It was rough, because people expected her to be a miracle worker and to have the magical fix, but many times she just didn't. Even with the latest and greatest medical equipment at her very fingertips, she still couldn't save everyone.

Loosing patients was also a kick in the butt, a reminded her that she wasn't some medical god, but just a mere mortal given the charge of trying to fend of the inevitability of death.

_It really is inevitable. Everyone think they're going to live forever, that they have time…_

She signed outwardly at the thought.

Beverly had learned long ago that you just never know how much time you. It was kind of an occupational hazard, unfortunately.

And she was taking Lieutenant Stanto's death harder than usual. It felt so personal for some reason.

Probably because he was the first patient she'd lost since taking her new post.

Mentally, she should have prepared herself for this outcome. Lt. James Stanto had had very slim odds when he arrived at her medical facility, but she had seen his wife and kids look so scared, but at the same time they looked so full of hope once she had entered the room. They looked at her as so many others had looked at her over the course of her career, as if she was the night-in-shining-armor come to save them from the dragon.

Dr. Crusher had told herself that she was going to send this man home to his family.

But he wouldn't be going home; his kids were now fatherless and his wife was now a widow.

_Just like me._

_Ugh! Stop this! You aren't a miracle worker, you did your best!_

Beverly did realize that she needed to stop beating herself up and move on; at this point she was wallowing in her own undeserved self-pity. There was a full day of still-living patients in front of her, and none of them could afford to have their doctor focusing on something that was now out of her control.

She couldn't help but be relieved that she had a breakfast with Jean-Luc scheduled for this morning. He had a gift of reminding her that she's not a complete failure, and even though Beverly felt the death of every patient that had ever died under her care, Jean-Luc was always able to dull the pain and make the burden easier to bare.

_What am I going to do when the repairs to the Enterprise are complete? Then we will really be a part…_

Shaking away the thought, Beverly realized it was now nearly 0700, so she quickly made her way out of her office and started walking toward the café that she and Jean-Luc had been frequenting over the last few weeks.

There was brisk chill in the air, and the sun had yet to completely rise. Artificial light sources illuminated her path down the walk. Beverly shoved her now-cold hands into the over-sized pockets of the blue lab-coat that she had always favored. She was grateful she only had a short walk.

Arriving at the café, she smiled at the owner who was cleaning off some tables as she made her way to the usual table that she and Jean-Luc had come to usually sit at.

"Will the Captain be joining you this morning, Doctor?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, he will be, Jacob," answering the younger man's question and then adding, "and for the last time, please call me Beverly! All day, every day I hear people calling for and asking for 'Doctor Crusher'. If someone doesn't start using my actual name, I'm eventually just going to forget it! So please, like I said, do me a favor and call me Beverly."

"Okay okay, whatever you say Doc—I mean Beverly."

"Thank you, that's much better," she laughed.

She turned her head towards the door just as Jean-Luc Picard made his entrance.

She caught his eye and smiled a big genuine smile, which he returned.

Standing, Beverly greeted him with a hug, already feeling immensely better from this morning's challenges.

"Beverly. I've missed you."

"Jean-Luc, you know very well you just saw me three days ago," she tried her best to be stern, but her airy tone gave-way to giggles.

"I know, I know, but I'm used to having breakfast _every _morning with you."

For a split second she thought she heard the hurt return to his voice, but then he quickly changed the subject by asking how she'd been.

Though he didn't know it, that was not the right question to ask given the circumstances of her morning.

Beverly's face immediately fell.

"It was a rough night, actually. I…er…I spent the night in an emergency operation. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do for…there was nothing I could do for him…the patient." the doctor's voice trailed off.

"Oh, wow, I'm so sorry, Bev, but don't convince yourself for a moment that you didn't do everything you could for the man."

"Yes, but I…"

"No buts! Beverly Crusher, I have watched you bring back people from the very brink of death and save lives that no one else would have even tried to save, but you are only human and you cannot expect yourself to work miracles. I won't try to imagine what you must feel when you do loose a patient, but no buts. You can't beat yourself up for things that are beyond even your control."

Jean-Luc reached across the table and grasped her hand, squeezing it gently.

Looking the man she loved directly in the eyes, she squeezed his hand back and whispered "thank you, I needed that."

"Don't give it another thought…well, at least try not to."

He released his grasp on her hand, but somehow Beverly couldn't help but wish he'd keep holding it. She longed for skin to skin contact, for him to embrace her.

_I wish I could tell you just how much I love you._


	7. Chapter 7

_**This is when is starts to get...er...well...you'll see! The pace is definitely going to start to pick up! Don't forget to review:)**_

* * *

Beverly Crusher hated paperwork with a passion. All those years, when she has served as CMO on the Enterprise, she had whined about all the paperwork that she had to complete.

Little did she know that CMO paperwork was baby stuff compared to that which she faced on a daily basis these days. She had told herself that she was going to devote the entire day to getting herself caught up, but instead she found herself reminiscing…especially about the man she loved:

_**I'm late. I'm late. I'M SO LATE. Crap, I'm going to get yelled at! Dr. Elson is going to be so pissed if I miss rounds… I can't believe I slept through my alarm!**_

**Beverly was running through the grounds of Starfleet Medical, definitely not paying attention to where she was going. All she could think about was how stupid she was.**

**Out of nowhere, she hit something hard and flew backwards, landing on her rear end. The books and papers she was carrying fell out of her hands and collapsed in a heap around her.**

**Turns out it was not something she'd ran into, but someone.**

"**What on earth!? You ought to be watching where you're going ENSI—," the man's voice trailed off as he looked over at the young doctor who had knocked him off his feet.**

**Noticing the captain's insignia on the man's collar, Beverly was immediately terrified. How could she have been so stupid? Now she was DEFINITELY going to get in trouble.**

**But the captain just kind of starring at her kind of funny.**

**Beverly decided to try to apologize.**

"**I'm so sorry, sir! I know it's not an excuse, but I'm late for my shift at the hospital and…and…and I just wasn't paying attention. Are you hurt?"**

**At this point, the captain's eyes were locked onto the doctor's face…it was almost as if he was starring right through her.**

"**Yes… I mean no, I'm fine. Don't worry about it…just pay attention next time!"**

**The captain, got up and smiled at Beverly, still starring right at her.**

"**A doctor, huh?"**

"**Er…yes, sir. I'm a resident."**

'**What is your name ensign…or I suppose you want to be addressed at "doctor." That seems to be the case with you Starfleet MDs."**

"**Yes, sir. I'm Dr. Crusher. Dr. Beverly Crusher."**

**The warmness that the captain had come to show since laying eyes on the young doctor instantly vanished when she told him her name. He dropped his longing gaze.**

"**Oh! Well, carry on doctor!" he said and walked away.**

**Beverly immediately went on her way too, perplexed by what had just happened between her and that captain. His reactions were so confusing…**

* * *

**Later in the week, when Beverly was finally not on call, Jack began pestering her about going out with him to meet a couple of his buddies.**

"**Come on, Bev! I want you to meet my friends and the officers I work with. Both Walker and Jean-Luc have been dying to meet the famous doctor-girlfriend that I'm always bragging about. They can't understand how a brainless oaf like me could pick up suck a catch."**

**She punched him in the arm for that last comment.**

"**Just tell them I'm only in this relationship because I feel sorry for you," she teased.**

"**Please come with me?!" Jack gave her the fakest looking puppy-dog lip.**

**Beverly rolled her eyes and sighed.**

"**FINE!"**

* * *

"**And Beverly, this is Captain Jean-Luc Picard, my commanding officer and dear friend." Jack said, smiling at happy-go-lucky smile.**

**Beverly looked at the captain, and he at her.**

**Instant realization.**

**He was the man she'd run into.**

**The captain looked at the ground, obviously embarrassed.**

**Beverly, playing the part well, sticking out her hand and saying. **

"**A pleasure to meet you, sir."**

"**The pleasure is all mine, doctor."**

**As he starred into her blue eyes and she into his, Beverly saw a great sadness there.**

**Suddenly it dawned on her.**

_**He's in love with me.**_

Beverly was brought out of her thoughts by some voices in the hallway outside her office.

There had never been a doubt in her mind since the day that she'd met Jean-Luc and seen the way he looked at her that he loved her. It was obvious, but even nearly thirty years later, they were still a part. Love was present, but it just had never been meant to be.

_Sigh. I wish I could just get my mind off of him! He's all I think about! As much as I don't want him to go, it will be easier once the Enterprise leaves. I might finally be able to actually move on…_

Beverly noticed that the voices outside her office were suddenly much louder and almost irritated. It was if two people were arguing…and they sounded like they were just outside her door.

"…_you can't tell her, yet! She'll just get upset!"_

"_We have to tell her! Not only does she deserve to know, but she might be his only chance."_

"_You know damn well that his injuries are probably fatal."_

"_Yes, but…"_

With those last words, Beverly exited her office to see her assistant and a blonde nurse standing outside the threshold.

"Whose injuries are probably fatal?!" the doctor asked.

Neither woman said anything; the looks on their faces were that of sadness and sympathy.

"Well? Is someone…" she trailed off, horrible realization and panic consuming her all at one.

_NO!_

_Jean-Luc._


	8. Chapter 8

**I'm sorry that I ended on such a horrible note and then didn't post for a few days...I've been so busy that it's taken me a few days to get all my thoughts out! But here you are, chapter 8! Enjoy and review!:)**

**Also, I am aware that my chapters tend to be shorter than what is probably considered ideal. It's not to torture everyone, this is mostly because I just don't have the time to commit to long 8,000 word entries. I apologize for this, but it's just kind of how it has to be:)**

* * *

Beverly felt like she'd been punched in the stomach.

_But Jean-Luc was supposed to be safe on the Enterprise while it was in dry dock…how could he possibly be hurt?_

Trying but failing to regain her composure, Beverly hardly managed to form words and put them together into a sentence:

"Whaaat… happened? What's going on?!" she felt dazed and confused.

The blonde nurse glanced at the assistant, who grudgingly nodded, and then continued, explaining that according to what she'd been told by her superiors, Jean-Luc had been in Engineering supervising the last of the repairs and modifications when out of nowhere there was an explosion near the warp core. Jean-Luc was at the very heart of the blast site. They were unsure what had caused the explosion at present, but two engineers had already died by the time anyone could get to them and three others, including Jean-Luc, were seriously injured.

Though she was pretty sure she knew the answer to the next question, she had to ask.

"What's his condition?"

The blonde nurse hesitated and breathed out.

"I don't want to lie to you Doctor, he's in very bad shape. They are trying to stabilize him before transferring him."

_Transferring him..? Oh! The Enterprise still doesn't have a CMO to replace me._

As irrational as she knew it was deep down, Beverly automatically started blaming herself.

_What if he dies during transport? I'll never forgive myself…_

_Ugh! Don't think like that, Bev. You can't burry him before he's dead. Think positive._

"He's coming here." Beverly was making a statement, not asking a question and she certainly didn't wait around for a reply.

Beverly raced out of the building, running as fast as her legs would carry her to Starfleet Medical's trauma center, where she knew they'd be taking the man she loved.

They had transported him down just moments before she arrived.

The sight of him took her breath away. Though Jean-Luc was unconscious, a pained expression had overtaken his face. A gaping hole expanded across his chest, and red blistering burns covered his arms, neck, and face. His abdomen was grotesquely distended and covered in black and blue bruises. His right leg was bent at an angle she didn't even know was possible and the facture in that leg was clearly compounded. The lacerations and cuts covering his body were too numerous to count.

Beverly had seen Jean-Luc injured, but never ever like this.

_Can I even put him back together this time?_

While it seemed to her like she stood there forever, just staring at the battered body of Jean-Luc Picard, it was really only a matter of seconds.

Out of nowhere , one of the nurses yelled "he's crashing." That brought Beverly back to reality and she immediately began barking orders at all the doctors in the room. No one dared question an order given to them by the Head of Starfleet Medical.

It took Beverly a solid two minutes to get his heart back to a normal rhythm, and she couldn't help but think that if it stopped again, she might not be able to restart it.

"Dr. Layton, monitor his stats."

"Nurse, make sure we have plenty of blood on hand. He's A negative."

"Johnson, Mason both of you go and ahead make sure that O.R. 4 is prepped and ready for us to come down."

"I need an orderly stat!"

Everyone moved at once, complying with Dr. Crusher's orders.

Each and every member of the medical team was well aware of the rumors regarding the supposed relationship between Captain Picard and their boss, yet if anyone of them had any concerns about conflict of interest or Beverly's ability to complete the task placed in front of her, nobody voiced such objections. They all knew that Beverly had flipped the switch from friend/lover to doctor/surgeon. If anything there was an unspoken realization that she was his best chance at living…if not his only chance.

As two orderlies moved the Captain to the operating suite, Beverly went to change and scrub. She had turned her mind off. She was an emotionless machine; she wasn't allowing herself to feel anything: not worry, or fear, or heartbreak.

_If I am to save him, I have to pretend I've never met him before. He means nothing to me, a patient of no importance._

She wished she could stay in the surgical prep room forever. She wished she could wake up from this nightmare and go back to her paperwork. She'd trade the paperwork of every medical officer in Starfleet if Jean-Luc could be safe and sound back on the bridge of the Enterprise. Hell, she'd rather it be her on that table.

Taking a deep breathe, Dr. Crusher stepped into the OR, fully gowned and gloved and faced both the reality of her situation and the fate of the man she loved. Stepping farther from the doorway, she allowed herself a moment to gather her composure.

Beverly couldn't help but think that Jean-Luc looked so small laying there unconscious; he also looked almost peaceful. The mechanical rise and fall of his chest told Beverly that her assistants had done their job and had put him under already. The computer was now completely regulating his breathing, and at this point it was the only thing keeping him alive.

In a last attempt to cope with what she was about to do, she brushed her hand over his smooth head and whispered in a voice so small that no one could hear:

"Fight Jean-Luc, please just fight…I can't live in this world without you."

Her assistants wheeled a tray of surgical equipment up next to Jean-Luc's side, and with that action Dr. Crusher went stone cold. There was no love for this man left inside her, she was nothing but a surgeon about to open up her patient and her patient was nothing more than a very very sick man needing her help. Dr. Crusher was showing medical detachment in its finest form because that was what she would have to do to save his life.

She nodded to the nurse standing next to her and ordered

"Laser scalpel."

The instrument was placed in her hand and all at once, the battle began.


	9. Chapter 9

I'm in a pretty generous mood today, so here's chapter nine;) Don't forget to review!:D

* * *

Eight hours. That was how long it had taken her to repair his broken body, and those eight hours had been the most terrifying 480 minutes of her entire life.

No scan had quite prepared her for the horrifying damage done to his body. He'd been bleeding from multiple organs, which had all needed extensive repairs. His spleen had been so pulverized that removing it was her only opinion. The damage to his lungs was so serious she knew he'd need to be fully ventilated for at least the next couple days while they healed. And just when she'd thought he was out of immediate danger, his heart had stopped again. She had been forced to extend the incision in his chest only to find that his pericardium was so full of blood that his artificial heart was literally being crushed.

Yet despite everything, she'd saved him.

It would be touch and go for a while, but Jean-Luc had not died on the table under her scalpel as she had so feared.

He was alive.

Suddenly, an old nursery rhyme that her grandmother had often recited to her as a child entered Dr. Crusher's mind as she began closing up.

…_and all the king's horses and all the king's men somehow managed to put Humpty Dumpty back together again…_

She smirked at the thought.

Finishing, she gave post-op instructions to a resident and one of the nurses and then exited the operating room.

Stripping her gloves off, she glanced down at the gown she was wearing. The sight made her sick. She was covered in blood…his blood.

Before now, Beverly hadn't truly thought about how close Jean-Luc had been to death and how close she'd been to losing him.

_What would have done if he had died? What will I do if he still does?_

_He will have never heard me tell him how I feel…that I love him._

With that thought, the wall that Beverly had put up, came crashing down.

_Professional detachment be damned._

She cried. Hard. For Jean-Luc, for herself, for all the fears and worries that she had held within the confines over her heart, for all the years with him that she had given-up because she'd been too scared to love him.

Sobs broke free from her chest for a solid five minutes, and she sat, knees curled up to her chest, on the floor.

_When he wakes up, I have to tell him how I feel. No more pretending I can live without him, because I can't. I love him so much…and I almost lost him today._

Feeling slightly better, Beverly wiped her eyes and said a silent thank you that no one was around to see their boss display such an intense and unprofessional display of emotion. Despite being physically and mentally exhausted, she got up and made her way to post-op, where she knew her team ought to just now be settling Jean-Luc.

She was right, of course. There were several doctors and nurses around him when she walked in and when they saw her enter, they all started standing noticeably straighter.

"Report," Beverly ordered.

"The captain has continued to remain stable. We've started him on several high doses of antibiotics to prevent post-operative infection and we just started him on an intravenous drip to keep him hydrated and to keep up on his pain medications." The chief resident responded.

"Good. Also let's hang another bag of A neg., as his platelets are still lower than I would like them to be."

"Yes, sir."

The other doctors finished their tasks and then Beverly announced that she would stay and monitor the captain for the time being. No one dared object. They all knew that she needed this time to cope with the events of the day.

When they had all left, Beverly pulled up a chair next to Jean-Luc's bedside and took ahold of his hand. She needed to physically touch him and to feel the warmth of his skin. She needed to feel that he was still alive…still with her.

She couldn't help but note how sick he looked. His skin was grey and pale and the repeated rise and fall of his chest reminded her that he was still heavily sedated and the computer was breathing for him. It was taking a room full of machines just to keep the man she loved clinging to life. The thought scared her.

But he was alive, and for the time being, that was all that really mattered.

She placed her hand over his heart and closed her eyes.

_Just keep beating, and I will take care of the rest._


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm sorry it took me a week to get this up! I do feel bad about that...I've just been so busy. be assured that Ch.11 is already in progress and will be up ASAP! Review and enjoy:)**

* * *

The next few days passed slowly. Jean-Luc had needed to be on a ventilator until the damage to his lungs had healed, and that meant that Beverly had to be content with sitting silently next to his bedside.

It was hard, just waiting for his body to heal, and despite all the medical technology that she had at her disposal, there had never been a guarantee that he would live.

Beverly hadn't slept much in the days since Jean-Luc had been injured, a fact that her staff had noticed, but dared not comment on. They recognized that she needed to be there for both him and herself.

Unfortunately for Beverly, being alone with an unconscious man and a room full of medical equipment allowed for a lot of time to think.

Often she thought of Jean-Luc lying broken on her operating table, and the fear that she had felt when she witnessed such a scene. Then other times she replayed every decision she made during his surgery, questioning herself and wondering if she had made mistakes. And of course, she thought about their relationship over the last 15 years and wondered how everything had gone so wrong. With her whole heart, Beverly regretted never acting on her feelings. She knew she would never forgive herself if he didn't wake up…

Finally, on the third day after nearly losing his life, Jean-Luc finally took a turn for the better. It had been decided that they would finally start weaning him off the ventilator and off the sedatives. It was with absolute joy that Beverly finally had hopes that the man she loved would live.

Jean-Luc awoke around lunchtime the following day, with Beverly standing over him holding him, holding his hand and whispering soothing words to him.

"Shhh, my love. You're okay. Take it easy."

He opened his eyes, which settled on Beverly's face.

He immediately relaxed.

"Beevvveerlyy_," _he whispered.

Dr. Crusher smiled softly and squeezed his hand.

"Wheeerrre am I? Whaaat happened"? Even whispering words was obviously exhausting to the captain.

"You're in the critical care unit at Starfleet Medical, my love. Four days ago, you were in Engineering when a conduit exploded. You were seriously injured, so they brought you here. We had to operate, but you are going to be just fine."

Of course, Beverly left out the parts of the story which involved her being terrified she would lose him. There were some things that you just left within the confines of your heart, never to be repeated.

"Are you in any pain, Jean-Luc?"

"It's not bad, really, more like stiffness."

By his response, she knew that he was just trying to be brave.

"There's no needed to be a martyr, Jean-Luc. I will increase your pain meds and you'll feel a lot better. Remember, you just had major surgery. I need you to be completely honest about your pain levels. You don't need to suffer through the next few days."

"Bbbuuut…"he tried to argue.

"No buts, don't argue_."_

With that, she pressed a hypospray into his neck and watched as the tension evaporated from his body.

"Better?"

He nodded in response.

"Jean-Luc, when you're better, there are things we need to talk about, but for now, please just rest and focus on healing."

His eyes were closed now, and it was obvious to Beverly that the sedatives were still coursing through his body and the pains meds probably weren't helping his drowsiness either.

Beverly turned to leave, finally committing herself to some much needed rest, when he spoke aloud:

"Beverly…I…I…well…thank you, Beverly. Thank you for saving my life."

"It's my job, Jean-Luc, you know that. Now please get some rest. We can talk more later, doctor's orders."

He smiled ever so slightly at her last reply and then finally gave into the medications' will.

_If only I could tell you right now just how much I love you, how much you mean to me. I wish you could know how terrified I've been that you would leave me alone. But you're going to be okay and we're going to be happy…together._

Before leaving his side, she grasped Jean-Luc's hand and squeezed it, never for a minute thinking that the worst was still yet to come.

_Maybe, just maybe, we are meant to be…_


	11. Chapter 11

**What happens when Beverly loses control...not something that happens often...**

* * *

"Dr. Crusher! Dr. Crusher! Wake up!"

Beverly's eyes, blinked open to see the duty nurse standing above her.

"Whaaat? What's wrong?!"

"It's the Captain, sir."

It didn't' take anything more for Beverly to fly out of the bed she lying in and run out of the on-call room.

She made it to his room in the Critical Care Unit in record time, only to discover he wasn't there. Terror immediately overwhelmed Beverly, as she searched for someone to inform her about what the hell was going on.

_Maybe I should have let Nurse Taylor finish her sentence before I ran out of there like a mad woman._

"Dr. Crusher! Shouldn't you be with the Captain?" a voice behind her asked.

Beverly spun around to see an intern staring at her questioningly.

"I most definitely should considering I am his doctor and I would be with him if someone would to their damn job and tell me what the hell is going on!"

The intern looked absolutely terrified at Dr. Crusher's sudden outburst.

"Well…?!"

"I…I…I'm surprised Dr. Layton didn't fetch you… considering you're the attending doctor on the Captain's case. But…umm…the captain went into cardiac arrest from a pulmonary embolism. She took him upstairs like over an hour ago."

All color immediately drained from the doctor's face, and then immediate realization and anger overtook her.

"I left very specific instructions to be paged if there was any change in Captain Picard's condition. I was down the hall in the on-call room, which everyone knew. What didn't they wake me up?!"

"I was going to wake you up myself, Doctor, but Dr. Layton insisted that she would fetch you personally."

"Well she didn't…I don't understand…Wait you said she took him upstairs…?"

"Yes, to the surgical floor. They tried busting the clot with medication to no avail."

_Holy crap. _W_hat the hell does Dr. Layton think she's doing?!_

"Do you know what room they're in?"

"I believe four was open.

Had she not been working solely on adrenaline, running all across the hospital would have become quite tiresome to Beverly, but worry and fear alone kept her going.

She still didn't know how badly off Jean-Luc was at this point, and this whole thing with Dr. Layton was irking her. Dr. Layton was a resident and had absolutely no authority or qualifications to make decisions about anyone's care, let alone those involving the most decorated captain in Starfleet. At this point, Beverly could only hope that Beverly's nagging suspicion, that Dr. Layton had decided to try to play hero, was wrong.

_Maybe this is all just some giant misunderstanding._

But of course, Beverly's instincts had been on par, only the situation presented in front of her was something far worse than she could have ever imagined.

When she reached OR Four, Beverly knew that something had gone very wrong. She could hear an anxious voice giving orders loudly and she recognized that voice as that belonging to Dr. Emily Layton.

Her anger immediately resurged and any hope she had of this being a misunderstanding completely went away.

Entering the surgical suite, Beverly immediately went numb. And for a whole 10 seconds, it was as if she had turned off completely.

Monitors were desperately announcing that the patient on the table was dying, and if that wasn't enough to instill intense fear in the doctor, then the fact that there was bright red blood covering the floor definitely did.

_My god…what has she done to you, Jean-Luc?!_

"Okay, is someone going to tell me what is going the fuck on?" any ounce of professionalism that Beverly had left inside her had completely gone out the door.

People looked at her, but no one said a word.

"Well? Dr. Layton, the patient on the table in front of you is obviously in great distress. When I left him three hours ago, he was stable and on the mend. Now, are you going to inform me of what happened in those three hours or are we going to wait until he dies and then let an autopsy tell me the story? Just let me be absolutely clear, right now, that if Jean-Luc Picard doesn't make it off this table, I will have your ass and make sure that your license to practice medicine is revoked permanently. I won't say that won't happen anyway, but you sure as hell won't have a future if he dies. Make your choice. Now."

The resident looked absolutely terrified, and for good reason, but to her credit, she spoke.

"Captain Picard went into cardiac arrest about an hour ago. We tried the typical clot-busting medications but nothing worked. I made the decision to take him to the OR and open up his chest in the hopes that I would be successful in removing the clot from his lung. I…I…I…I…nicked the aorta."

"Oh my God."

Rushing to the captain's side, Beverly immediately assessed the situation.

Dr. Layton's finger was blocking off a deadly tear in the main artery carrying blood from the captain's heart. Beverly could tell that slowly but surely the hole was increasing in size. Every single time his heart beat, the pressure caused the tear to widen and blood to shoot out like a fountain. The situation looked horribly grim.

_I won't give up._

She was so unbelievably angry that the life of the man she loved was again hanging in the balance…All because some stupid resident wanted to play hero…

_I should never have left his side. This is as much my fault as anyone else's. I abandoned him, for what? A couple hours rest? Now look where we are! My hands are inside his chest…_

The monitors continued to whine their death cry, and Dr. Crusher could not help but wonder if she would, yet again, be forced to bury the man she loved.


	12. Chapter 12

And then, she woke up.

Beverly Crusher was exceedingly disoriented when she awoke because her dream became too ghastly to keep her asleep any longer.

_God, all I do is think about him when I'm awake and apparently all I can do is dream about him too! This man is taking years off of my life…_

Lifting herself off of the on-call room bed, Beverly stretched and then pulled her arms back through her lab coat, immediately exiting the room.

She immediately went down to Jean-Luc's room and noting that he was still sleeping, Beverly did her best to quietly record his vitals.

Of course, she wasn't quiet enough, and his eyes fluttered open.

He smiled in recognition of the woman who had saved his life.

"I was hoping you would come back soon, though I'm glad you finally got some rest. The nurses were saying you didn't sleep much during my ordeal."

"I'm sure they were…but no, they are right, I guess I really didn't get much rest. I was too busy worrying about you."

"Beverly?"

"Yes, Jean-Luc?"

"Just exactly how close was I to dying. Originally, you made my situation sound so trivial, but even now I see the remnants of worry in your eyes…"

"Close, Jean-Luc, it was close." Beverly whispered the words as they painfully exited her mouth.

"I thought as much…"

"But let's think of happier things, captain, like the fact that you'll live to captain another day."

"All thanks to the talented and exceedingly brilliant Dr. Beverly Crusher!" he winked at her as he said the words.

"Yeah, well, now you're just being a suck-up."

"Suck up? Me? Never! It just so happens that a brilliant and beautiful doctor saved my life this week."

Beverly blushed at his blatant flirtatiousness.

All at once, a thought passed through Beverly's mind and her eyes darkened in response.

"Jean-Luc, I have to say something…"

"Yes?"

"Jean-Luc…I…I…almost lost you this week…and the entire time all I could think about was what it would feel like if…if…I never got to tell you…" the doctor's voice trailed off.

"…tell me that you loved me…?"

Beverly nodded sadly.

"Jean-Luc, I've been so stupid! All this time I've tried to convince myself that it wasn't safe to love you, but seeing you lying there…well…it changed things for me. I don't want to be afraid to love the man that has been revered by my heart for so long. Jean-Luc…I want a future with the man I love….with you."

"Oh Beverly, you haven't been the only one at fault over the last 15 years. In the beginning, I just felt like Jack came between us…and then…I just thought that you didn't want anything more than a friendship."

"But Jean-Luc, Jack has been dead for 25 years and all that time I have been very much alone. And now I'm tired of pretending that feelings don't exist. I'm tired of running away from us!"

Jean-Luc reached over and grabbed Beverly's hand and held it tightly. He looked her straight in the eyes and said:

"Beverly, I love you more than words can express and I want to promise you forever. "

"Forever?"

"Forever."

Beverly bent over and kissed the man she loved and had always loved.

_Professional detachment be damned._


	13. Chapter 13

"I bet you are more than eager to return to the Enterprise, huh?" Beverly smiled at her now-former patient.

"Oh, not at all! I quite enjoy the company of doctors and nurses and spending my days being poked and prodded." Jean-Luc replied with a roll of his eyes

"In that case, I'm sure I could keep you here another day or two…"

"THAT will NOT be necessary!"

Beverly simply winked at The Captain and thought inwardly how happy she was that he was feeling well enough to put up a fight.

_And to think that I almost lost him…_

"Jean-Luc, we need to talk about something…"

"And what would that be my dear doctor?"

"Well…actually…its about your new CMO…"

"Awe yes, I'm sure you'll want to have a one-on-one chat with her and lecture her about how she'll have to be sure that I keep up with my physicals."

"Actually, I was hoping that wouldn't be necessary…" Beverly hinted.

"I not sure I understand what you mean, Beverly."

"Jean-Luc…I love you and I don't want you to leave."

"You want me to leave the Enterprise?!"

_God he's so dense sometimes!_

"You know I would never ask you to do that. Jean-Luc, I resigned as Head of Starfleet Medical and so I'm kind of in need of a job. I was kind of hoping…"

"…you were hoping I'd take you back as CMO, huh?"

The Captain beamed at the woman he loved and then quickly changed his tone and resorted to mock serious-ness.

"Dr. Beverly Crusher, I would like to formally and officially offer you the esteemed position of Chief Medical Officer on the Enterprise. After reviewing several exceptionally qualified candidates, it has been determined that you are the most qualified to act in this exceptionally crucial position on my ship. Will you accept my offer and agree to serve the ship and its crew to the best of your ability?"

"It would be my honor, sir." She smiled back at him.

Taking the doctor in his arms, the Captain kissed her passionately and whispered:

"I love you, Beverly Crusher."

"I love you, Jean-Luc Picard. I always have and I always will."

Despite it all, the Captain and his CMO were finally getting their forever…

* * *

**Originally I was going to prolong this story for awhile, but now I'm thinking that I might still continue on this story-line, but I'll do it in the form of new stories. Let me know what you think...I've decided that my next project will be a Jack's death/Picard/Beverly dynamic. I feel like this has never been done in the way I imagined it...**


End file.
